What’s the greatest shift you’ve experienced in your thinking?
I was recently asked this question, and after some reflection, I have to say it’s when I replaced the word but with and. It might sound simple, but this one change had a profound impact on how I view the world and navigate my relationships.
You see, I moved to the States when I was 19. It was an exciting time, full of possibilities, but it was also a time when I felt like I had to prove myself. I believed that if I wanted to make something happen, it was entirely up to me. I had to work hard, push through obstacles, and, above all, do it on my own. I never asked anyone for help. In my mind, asking for help was a sign of weakness, and I couldn’t afford to be seen as weak.
Honestly, it felt like I had climbed a mountain peak and found myself standing at the top—completely alone. I had worked so hard to get there, relying solely on my own strength and determination, but when I finally reached that summit, the view wasn’t as fulfilling as I had imagined. The achievement felt hollow because it didn’t include anyone else. There was no one to share the moment with, no one to celebrate the journey alongside me. I realized that while I had valued my independence, I had also isolated myself in the process, missing out on the richness that comes from shared experiences and connections.
This way of thinking didn’t just make me self-reliant; it also made me distant. I didn’t let people get too close. I felt that if I did, I would lose my freedom, my sense of independence, and perhaps even my sense of self. Somehow, I believed that keeping people at arm’s length was the only way to stay in control.
As they say, our mind is expressed in our language, and I found that my thoughts were often framed with the word but. I want to connect with people, but I’m afraid I’ll lose my independence. I want to ask for help, but I don’t want to appear weak. The word but became a barrier—a way of separating, excluding, and limiting myself.
"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
— African Proverb
Then, in 2019 I took a Landmark forum training weekend and I had a breakthrough, I began to replace but with and. Instead of saying, I want to connect with people, but I’m afraid I’ll lose my independence, I started saying, I want to connect with people, and I can do that while maintaining my independence. Instead of thinking, I want to ask for help, but I don’t want to appear weak, I began to think, I want to ask for help, and it doesn’t make me weak—it makes me human.
This small change in language brought about a significant transformation in my mindset. I realized that but is exclusive—it creates division, it pits one idea against another, and it often forces us to choose between them. And, on the other hand, is inclusive. It allows for multiple realities to coexist, it stretches our thinking, and it opens up opportunities for growth.
By embracing and, I began to see that I didn’t have to sacrifice my independence to form meaningful connections. I could be strong and ask for help. I could maintain my freedom and let people into my life. And became a bridge, connecting different aspects of my life that I once thought were incompatible.
This shift didn’t just change how I spoke; it changed how I lived. I started to build deeper relationships, allowing myself to be vulnerable and open. I found that asking for help didn’t make me weaker—it made me stronger, because it connected me to others in a way that was authentic and real.
Here’s a distinction between and and but that I realized: But is exclusive, while and is inclusive. But creates division, forcing us to choose one thing over another, often leading to feelings of limitation and isolation. And stretches us in all ways—mentally, emotionally, and even physically. It allows us to embrace multiple possibilities at once, expanding our perspective and giving us the opportunity to grow.
But often closes doors and ends conversations. It’s a word that can halt progress and keep us stuck in a narrow mindset. When we say but, we often follow it with a reason why something can’t happen or why we must make a sacrifice. It creates an either/or scenario where we feel we must choose between two options.
And, on the other hand, opens doors and keeps the conversation going. It’s a word that invites us to consider how different aspects of our lives can coexist. It allows us to say, Yes, I have challenges, and I can find solutions. And creates space for integration, where we don’t have to compromise one part of our life for another but can instead find a harmonious balance.
Now, when I talk to others who say, “Well, I love my gym or Pilates, but I won’t have time for yoga,” or “I want to do the yoga teacher training, but I don’t have time or money right now,” I ask them to try replacing but with and and see what’s possible. I love my gym, and I can make time for yoga. I want to do the yoga teacher training, and I can find a way to make it work. This simple shift in language can open up a world of possibilities.
This shift is also true when we get into relationships, want to start a new business, or pursue anything we desire that’s demanding. Often, we make mental excuses—but I’m not ready, but it’s too risky, but I don’t have enough time or resources. What if we replaced those buts with ands? And can help us see that we can face challenges, stretch our limits, and grow into the opportunities that lie before us.
So, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: The words we choose shape our reality. When we replace but with and, we move from a place of limitation to a place of possibility. We open ourselves up to new experiences, new connections, and new ways of thinking.
What about you?
Have you noticed how the words you use influence your mindset?
What peaks have you climbed alone, and how might your journey change if you allowed others to walk alongside you?
Maybe it’s time to try replacing but with and and see how it changes your perspective. You might just find that it opens up a whole new world of possibilities.
Namaste
Sumit Banerjee
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